I Am.

I am hurt. But I will heal.

I am flawlessly flawed. I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Nothing is perfect. I’m beginning to realize that, as I get older, who I expected to become when I was younger is not who I’m becoming; I’m OK with that. In fact, I like who the person I’ve grown into. I can’t be perfect. I am perfectly imperfect and I relish in my imperfections. I yell, I cry, I fight, I scream, I dance, I sing, I try not to let the little things bother me, but unfortunately the little things are what bother me the most. I am not some glossy catalog image. I am not who YOU want me to be. I am the way God made me, and I can’t change.

I am scared of loss. I am scared of losing the people closest to me. I’ve seen friends come and go, people who I thought were close to me, who loved me, who understood me. I’ve seen those people turn their backs on me. And that’s ok. People change. Friendships evolve or devolve. I know that. But I am scared of losing the ones that really matter. I am afraid that I’ll be replaced. But aren’t we all replaced at one point by somebody else? We can’t always be somebody else’s top priority, I know that. I am scared of death. I am scared that any moment could be my last. I am scared that any moment could be anyone’s last moment. I am trying not to be.

I am fearless. I am not afraid to stand up for myself. I am not afraid of change. I embrace change. I welcome change, and I hope that I continue to evolve. I love the feeling of fearlessness. I want to jump out of planes, and explore volcanoes. I want to bungee jump. But sometime’s I’m worried that I want to do that stuff to feel more alive…because what is life if I don’t feel 100% alive at every given moment?

I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid that one morning, I’ll wake up and everyone will have left me. I am scared to death that I’ll never be published, that I’ll never be a truly be a great writer, that I’m destined to just be “OK.” I’m afraid of the day when I’ve exhausted every agency and agent out there and still haven’t been signed; I’m afraid of my reflection in the mirror if I have to tell myself that I didn’t make it. I’m afraid that that might kill me.

I am creative. I never stop creating. Life is all about creation; creation of art, of love, of matter and matters.

I am a writer. Because I write, I am also whole.

I am aware that i might never get published. But I am trying. I am walking the line. I am doing everything in my power. I just need somebody to believe in me the way that I believe in myself.

I am loved. I have someone who loves me so unconditionally that I can’t help but smile. When he smiles, all the hurt melts away. And when he cries, everything around me crumbles. Ever since I was a young boy, I have dreamed about being loved, but never knew what it could feel like. I knew love from a parent, from a family member, from a friend, but never the kind of love that could heal the world from sorrow and fill the empty voids in my soul. I am loved, and because I am loved, I am a better man.

I am never good enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough. How can I be enough for someone else? How can I fill the same voids that he fills? But I do. I am good enough. I just forget that sometimes.

I am someone who loves wholeheartedly. I give everything that I have in my power to give. Sometimes, I don’t have enough to give. Sometimes, I have just enough love for myself. Most of the time, people around me don’t notice or realize those moments where I need to be loved more than I can love back. That’s OK. But when I am able to love and give, I will give you the shirt off of my back.

I am strong. I fight every single day. I reach for what isn’t there, just so I can have something to hold onto.

I am weak. I may be built like brick house, but if you huff and puff hard enough, you’ll cause everything to collapse.

I am a man. Brave. Scared. Strong. Weak. Wise. Foolish.

I am a proud gay man. It took me 23 years to say it out loud. But I did it. I risked everything by coming out, and in the end, I don’t know why I couldn’t just admit it sooner. I am proud of who I am. I will stand up for who I am. It is a part of me, which is why when that part is threatened by those who don’t understand, I will be hurt more than you will ever know. But it is my job to help those understand. And I will try my best because I am who I am.

I am afraid of prejudice. I am afraid that I will lose some people in my life due to prejudice.

I am not a grudge holder. I do not hold grudges. If you do wrong to me, I forgive. I try to forget, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. I am human

I am not good enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m not a good enough friend, lover, boyfriend, son, cousin, nephew.  Sometimes, I feel like i’m not a good enough writer. There is something wrong with me, right?

I am good enough. I am a loyal friend, a fierce lover, a dedicated, loving boyfriend, a caring son, a good cousin and nephew. I can write. I love to write. Maybe that makes me a good writer. There is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect, in all my flaws, just the way that I am.

 

How do you define yourself? Do you define yourself? Tell me who you are in the comments below!

5 thoughts on “I Am.

  1. Always know that you may be all of those things, but you are also needed and appreciated (and loved, although you mention it in respect to your amazing man).

  2. I am a 1st year Uni student studying English Lit, Classical Civilisation and Scottish Lit (about to go into 2nd year and still looking for a flat-eep!) I write. I write fanfiction. I cry easily over certain characters (gender neutral). I get lost in my head thinking about their fates far too easily. I could read for Scotland. I am a triplet although you wouldn’t know it.
    Loved this post- really well done!
    Phoenixflames12 x

    • Ahhhh! You TOTALLY made me go back to this post and remember how much I loooooved it. I think I shall write a follow-up in the coming weeks and see if I can pass the torch. Stay tuned, Phoenix!

      Also, YOU ARE fantastic 🙂 Add that to your list!

  3. Pingback: I Am., Part II | beautifulCHAOS

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